After an episode I’m usually left totally exhausted, but also overwhelmed. Not necessarily by things I need to do (although that is sometimes the case), but more so because I find myself drowning in self-doubt.
I must say, I feel much better than I did a few weeks ago. I went into hospital to do a medication change and so far the depression has lifted. I’m on Abilify, Lexamil, Carbamazepine and Fluanxol. Dormonoct is there for my sleep. I feel less agitated and a lot less aggressive.
But I also feel as if something has replaced the aggression, depression and agitation: a nauseating sense of numbness.
It leaves me feeling vulnerable, unsure of every step I need to take, every decision I need to make.
Don’t get me wrong, I also have a lot more energy. But what good is it all if there’s no that I am able to channel it? I have no sense of direction. I am a blank canvas. I’m rid of the ugliness that sat etched into the frame, but now I sit and stare into space, questioning my every skill, my very existence. This isn’t depression. But I’m unsure of what move to make, how to look after myself so that I don’t get sick again. During my depressions, I always believed the lies my inner bipolar monster whispered to me, so how do I suddenly after an episode, pick myself up from that?
How do I unlearn the untruths?
How do I mobilize myself towards gaining traction in recovery and away from this state of stuck?
I need a reawakening. Something to wake me from this paralysis like hell. There’s a heaviness that sits on my chest and although it reminds me of depression, I know that this struggle is something else. It’s like my life changes after each episode: I get a new one. But with it comes the the feeling of being lost. Incomplete. Stuck in limbo. Simple things like not not knowing what to do for the day plagues me.
I can’t write.
I have no vision.
I can function but have no zest.
I have the will to live, but no urge to thrive.
I’ve taken up painting to pass this time. My therapist suggested I look into my past to find out what made me happy- and the possibility is there that this could very well bring me back to life. It’s giving me a glimpse into feeling things again. When I paint, sparks fly and the dull parts of my brain reconnects to the live parts. It’s like fireworks. My good friend, Blahpolar, says this painting thing is going to be good for me. And I believe her.
I’m saddened how one episode of Bipolar Disorder can rob me of time to really live life and the joy of my soul.
Worst part of it all is that I’m stable. I’m “healthy”. So I should be fine, right?
Discuss: How do you feel after an episode of depression or mania? Do you take on (a million) tasks with ease or do you struggle to find yourself?