“This is the worst I’ve seen you in almost a year.”
I wasn’t so bad though… The patient ahead of me wore bright yellow overalls stamped ‘remand/detainee’ and clanked past in metal shackles.
Therapy was tough today, naturally, because things have been tougher than usual lately. We talked about some psychological stuff and about clozapine, which is the crux of it all for me at the moment, because of its side effects. Well it’s not purely the physical side effects, it’s that one of them triggers me into the kind of whirlwind flashbacks I’d been free of since 2011. And one other that triggers my own brand of self harm i.e. fast and dirty fists to the head. I was happy to get answers as solid as they can possibly be; ten days or so for clozapine to reach an optimal dose, and another two weeks steady on it, and then review and try and get in for ECT as an inpatient. Olanzepine was also mentioned as an option.
Did I tell you guys that the head anaesthetist refuses to work with ECT patients, because he reckons it’s barbaric? Shrink one says he goes bear hunting in Siberia every year. People are funny aren’t they…. Last week shrink one told me some horror stories about patients being mismedicated there; one example is a woman who was given double her dose of lithium.
Anyway, I had blood drawn (from my apparently skinny veins) for the weekly white blood cell count needed during titration of clozapine, and then off I went to the pharmacy. To cut a long
queue story short, they fucked up my prescription and I fucked up by only checking it about ten kilometres into the journey home. I photographed the two packets and WhatsApped shrink one, who responded pretty quickly.
That packet is contradicting itself. And WTH with an empty packet?
Listen, I need you to hold onto them as evidence because pharmacy has been making some major cock ups.
Don’t even try to apply first world parameters there, you’d only be wasting your breath. Thank fuck I have shrink one on my team.
Somewhere in it all, I whacked myself, but not hard. And still I am fortunate, lucky and privileged – I have a backup script registered at a normal/commercial pharmacy, so all I had to do was get a weeks worth of clozapine on my way home. Think of all the other sods it’s happening to, who don’t have private doctors, transport, maybe even literacy. Context and perspective rarely affect my level of middle class whining though.
I feel shitty about putting my friend through it too. She asked me to ask someone else to go with me next week if possible. I totally get where she’s coming from. It’s actually time for me to man up and drive myself there anyway.
Oh yeah, I puked my guts up all evening afterwards. Wretched and retching, that’s me.