Do you ever get that variety of stress where you feel quite stoned? The state hospital I go to is around an hour’s drive away and this morning was the first time I did it alone. Feeling zoned out worked in my favour, because it’s a calm place to be. All that was required of me today was patience. I’d had to skip the morning dose of clozapine, for the simple reason that if I’d taken it, I’d have fallen asleep, but I had some espiride (sulpuride) prn with me. I’m pretty sure that it’s a global truth that government departments generate an impressive amount of waiting time.
Ward 13 – psychiatric outpatients.
Wait. A small boy chanting quiet football chants and stimming by pointing upwards, seventies disco style. A thin woman who couldn’t sit still. A woman in a wheelchair, with the neatest and sweetest curly grey beard I’ve ever seen.
See shrink one and hand over the messed up meds paperwork from last week.
Wait. Someone walks past with a bloody hypodermic held over their head.
Get blood test results and a new prescription. My white blood cells are still doing well, and the clozapine is increasing from 300mg to 350mg. Olanzapine and fluoxetine are waiting in the wings in the event of me needing yet another meds option.
Wait on the front few benches in the pharmacy. It’s not very full, but I’m still going to be there for over an hour. Peer through the glass, the only computer monitor I can see is unplugged and abandoned on a high shelf.
Hand in the prescription.
Wait on the back benches. The little boy from before is there, still chanting quietly. Usually there’s traffic control in the pharmacy department, in the form of a security guard who happens to be albino, but when he’s not there, it all conforms to requirements anyway. A friendly and corpulent auntie called me to sit on her bench, because “I’m scared you’ll miss your name if you sit there.” Once she’d got hers and was leaving, she stopped to inform me that, “God’s light is around you my love, all around!” Smile, nod…. If there’s a god in charge of state systems, I suspect it’s more likely to be Loki than the Christian one, but of course she was kind and meant well.
Get the filled prescription. Ctrl + alt + del baby.
By the time I got home, it was late afternoon and I was very grateful to be able to guzzle some clozapine. I could feel my nerves get jagged and fray at the edges. Sighhgggggg…… This ain’t living izzit.