Hi! So I usually post blogs about the latest research on BD, today I want to share a bit about my personal journey of restoration. WARNING! I am a christian so I do talk about God in this post, I can’t cut Him out of the story and honestly, I don’t want to.
So recently I went through a depressive episode, I believe it is over, I’ve been feeling much better for about a month now.
I felt uninspired, believe me I tried to blog, but I couldn’t manage the writing of a coherent piece. Also a lot of my thinking was about personal stuff that is not really relevant to anyone but me, I was dealing with a lot of stuff from my past. So God and I were close during that time. That is my testimony always, God never leaves me! I struggled to pray and meditate, so I relied heavily on scripture to get me through the days.
There is one experience that I had towards the end of my depression that I want to share though, the night I had to choose between the Light and dark Charlotte (dum dum dum…)
So I had been feeling much better for about a week, when one night, I just decided I am not going to take my pills anymore. This wasn’t because I believed I didn’t need them anymore I just felt a distinct anger at the idea of having to take pills to be okay. My dear husband gently sat with me for over an hour trying to talk some sense into me, thing is I didn’t need sense, I knew that if I stopped taking my pills I’d be fudged within a week. But something in me just couldn’t swallow those freaking pills! As my husband was sitting with me, I realized what was going on. self-sabotage! “Dark Charlotte” the persona that had been formed over years, the one that kept me sane and alive despite all that I went through in my 29 years, was feeling threatened and insecure by my newfound happiness.
She didn’t know what to do with happiness. So she wanted me back in the dark, where she would be needed and would rule over me. Dark Charlotte, was a string of unhealthy beliefs and coping mechanisms that was built on lies. From believing my parents didn’t love me straight through to that I am in my deepest being evil. These subconscious beliefs, held me intact, but also kept me sick. When I think about that dark Charlotte, I don’t judge her, because I knew that growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to have perspective in certain less ideal situations and the lies easily sneaked in behind the negative emotions I felt.
BUT I did realize that she was destructive and not what God had in mind for me in terms of how I would reason for the rest of my life, what beliefs I would hold on to and how I would respond. He had Light in mind. It was time to let go. That night I had to choose whether I would go back to dark Charlotte or whether I would choose something greater, perfect for me, healthy. A new Protector and Shepherd. It was tough, it felt like I was betraying myself and I sat with the pills in my hand for over an hour after making the decision to choose true life. In the end, I took my pills. To me it was symbolic of choosing to let go of all the skewed and warped coping mechanisms and beliefs that had kept me for so long.
I am naked now (figuratively of course!), no jacket of lies to protect me. I am vulnerable, God needs to come dress me, I know He will not leave me nor forsake me, He will reward me for choosing the Light. I trust Him.