I’m going to have electroconvulsive therapy

The first wait was to see shrink two, who gave me the paperwork to go and wait at three more departments, x-ray, ecg and pharmacy. I have a date for ect now, the 27th. I’ll be an inpatient and that’s what was on my mind while she told me she’d got “klapped” by one patient trying to hit another during ward rounds. Scared? Terrified. I’m not scared of the ect itself though.

She went through the possible negative effects – headaches, memory loss, muscle spasm and the usual caveat for a general anaesthetic too. I said hey I don’t care, I don’t even wanna be alive. The x-ray and ecg were part of the pre-anaesthetic checks, I had plenty of blood tests in the preceeding weeks too. I’m healthy, I’m the most depressed person I know, but physically I’m really healthy. My lungs are even “really good for a smoker.”

There was a boy in a wheelchair who looked as though he was somehow folded in on himself. He looked up and drooled and from time to time he emitted a piercing yell. There was a man who smelled of excrement. There’s always something.

She told me that, given the duration of my depression, I shouldn’t expect ect to be some kind of magic switch. She said some people have a short period of remission and then it comes back. She said it can change the way one reacts to meds. She said I’d probably have 12 sessions.

How do I feel? Like I wish someone would switch off the world and let me off.

I won’t be posting next week, but I’ll be back the week after to tell you how it went. Thanks for reading.